WHAT EVERYONE SHOULD KNOW
Society’s lack of understanding about the dynamics of domestic violence often is the greatest obstacle a battered woman faces in her efforts to end the violence in her life. With this in mind, here are some facts about thoughts and questions you may have.

I shouldn’t get involved in a private family matter.
Domestic violence is not just a family problem. It is a crime with serious repercussions for the woman, her children, and the entire community.

The violence can’t really be that serious.
Domestic violence can involve threats and other intimidating behaviors, pushing, slapping, punching, kicking, choking, threats to children or pets, destruction of personal property, sexual assault, and assault with weapons. It is rarely a one-time occurrence, and almost always escalates in frequency and severity over time. Any act of domestic violence is something to take seriously. Violence against women in intimate relationships results in more injuries that require medical treatment than rape, auto accidents, and muggings combined. Domestic violence can be deadly: thirty per cent of women murdered in this country are killed by their husbands or boyfriends.

That kind of behavior doesn’t go on in my neighborhood.
Domestic violence occurs in every neighborhood--among all ages, races, and religions. It happens to people of all educational and income levels.

She must be doing something to provoke his violence.
She is the victim of battering; she is not to blame nor does she ever deserve such treatment. The only person who has the power to stop the violence is the person who chooses to use it to control family members. Whatever problems exist in a relationship, the use of violence to resolve them is never justified or acceptable.

If it’s so bad, why doesn’t she just leave?
For most of us, the decision to end a relationship is one of the most difficult we will ever make. A battered woman’s emotional ties to her partner may still be strong, supporting her hope that the violence will end. If she is financially dependent on her partner and leaves with her children, she will likely face severe economic hardship—possibly even homelessness. She may not know about available resources. Or perhaps social and justice systems have been unresponsive to her in the past. Religious, cultural, or family pressures may make her believe it’s her duty to keep her family together at all costs. Perhaps when she has tried to leave in the past, her partner has used violence to stop her. These are but a few of the reasons battered women often can’t “just leave”.

Doesn’t she care about what’s happening to her children?
She is probably doing everything within her power at the present time to protect her children from the violence. She may feel that the abuse is only directed at her, and does not yet realize its effects on the children. Perhaps she believes that her children need a father, or she lacks the resources to support them on her own. The children may beg her to stay, not wanting to leave their home or their friends. She fears that if she leaves she will lose custody of her children.

I know him—I really don’t think he could hurt anyone—He’s such a nice guy.
Most abusers are not violent in other relationships. They are often well liked, charming and lovable in a social situation, yet display extreme violence in the privacy of the home.

He must be sick.
Battering is a learned behavior, not a mental illness. Often, the abuser’s experience as a child, and the messages he gets from society in general, tell him that violence is an effective way to achieve power and control over his partner’s behavior. Men who batter must be held accountable for their own actions. Viewing them as “sick” wrongly excuses them from taking responsibility for their behavior.

I think he has a drinking problem. Could that be the cause of the violence?
Although alcohol or drug use may intensify existing violent behavior, it does not cause battering. Men who batter typically make excuses for their violence, claiming a loss of control due to alcohol/drug use or extreme stress. Battering, however, does not represent a loss of control, but a way of achieving and maintaining it.

How can she still care for someone who abuses her?
Chances are, the man is not always abusive. It is typical for abusers to show remorse for their violence after an abusive incident and make repeated promise to change. She understandably hopes for such change. Their relationship probably involves a cycle of good times, bad times, and in-between times. However, the longer the violent relationship continues, it is likely there will be fewer and fewer good times.

Lately she’s been distant. I don’t know if we’re still friends.
Domestic violence happens in isolation. The abuser knows that the fewer relationships the woman has, the more easily he can control her. He may be extremely jealous of any relationships she has outside the home. Battered woman often hope they can stop the violence by placating the abuser, and often distance themselves from family and friends because of this.

If she wanted my help, she’d ask for it.
She may not yet feel comfortable confiding in others, feeling that they will not understand her situation or may blame her for it. Try talking to her about the problem of battering in a general way. Tell her you’re concerned about women who must endure physical abuse. Let her know that you believe that no one deserves to be abused and that battered women are not to blame for the abuse they experience.